The Final Countdown: T-1 Day Until the Insurance Goes

Yesterday afternoon, after I made sure Aiden was recovering nicely; I headed out to a doctor’s appointment of my own. I was very clear on the phone when I made this one. I wanted to make sure I could be seen. The nurse took a look at my records and told me I’d be good and to come on in.

The office is set up to make you feel like you’re not waiting as long as you really are. There is the sign in area, where you wait to be called. Then you wait in the “vitals” area until you can be weighed, get blood drawn and your blood pressure checked. Then you wait in another area until you’re called into the exam room, where you wait again for your doctor. In each waiting area, you’re waiting with a group of people (except for the exam room of course). A brilliant game of smoke and mirrors, but I’m on to them.

Today, however, when I was called back to the first, and most crowded area, my doctor’s nurse met me. And right there, in front of everyone waiting, she explained how I could not be seen today because it’s too soon. I understand that everyone knows the kinds of things you have done in this office, but it’s still not the kind of conversation I want to have in front of anyone but the necessary people.

She spoke loudly as she restated that even though I had been told I could be seen, that I absolutely could not have a pap smear done today (sheesh, thanks). She spoke with no tenderness or understanding at all. I was forced to press her. “How about a mammogram? I haven’t had one since before I was pregnant.”

Again, in front of the waiting area that had at least ten people in it, she curtly told me that since I was still breastfeeding, this too was a no go.

I was becoming more and more self-conscious of people staring and listening to my plight. Unfortunately, my time was running out and I had to find out what I could have done, if anything. “Can I at least get a flu shot?” I asked sheepishly, trying desperately to turn the attention anywhere else but on me.

She didn’t even look up from her clipboard, as she yelled to the girl in the lab. “Mrs. Parris is coming back for a flu shot. Only for a flu shot okay?” Then she walked away, leaving me standing there feeling as if I had just been put on display naked.

Thank God the lab tech quickly called me back before I had a meltdown in front of everyone. She was a sweet as she could be, having no idea what my situation was or how this had happened. I struggled to put on a good face for her. I have never felt more humiliated.

I was able to get my shot and go back out to the car before the floodgates opened. I was mad, humiliated, and exhausted. I became a number. There was no compassion, no common decency. I felt as if I had been publically flogged.  When I think of the amount of time and money I have spent in that office, I honestly think I deserved more than that.

Understandably, after the week I’ve had, I’m more vulnerable. I did not have the strength to march back in there and demand an apology. I cowered into my car and promptly started to sob. I was done. I no longer had the strength to hold anything in and it all came out right then and there.

On the way home, through the tears that were still falling, I felt drawn to the nearby Perpetual Adoration chapel. My mom was at the house with the kids and was prepared for me to be gone around three to four hours, so I knew I had time.

I blew my nose and got inside. I was no longer sobbing, but the tears were still silently streaming. Apparently, I had been holding on to a lot. I had no real plan. I only wanted to sit in the presence of Jesus until I found some peace.

Sometimes the best prayer is just to be.

Eventually the tears dried up and I was able to ask Jesus for some help. I made my case that I am much more weak than He assumes and that I cannot handle this. Please, please, please, take this cross from me. I am a wimp Lord.

And then I let it go.

For the first time in all of this, I heard the Lord very clearly. “This is not a punishment. This is a test. You can handle this and you will be stronger for it. I will use this if you let me.”

It was if I was a little girl and the Lord had just scooped me up from my pity party, put me in His lap, and wrapped His arms around me. I was no longer shaking and crying. I felt His presence and in that presence, I found peace.

It was only for a moment, but it was profound. After that my prayers changed. Suddenly, I felt gratitude for the ways God has already provided for us.  I did get that flu shot after all. Thank you Lord.

What do people do, who don’t have faith? What do people do when this happens to them and they are not surrounded by people who support and pray for them? What do they do without a family to help them out? What do they do if they don’t have a hard working, positive husband willing to do whatever it takes to provide?

Lord bless all those people, and help me not to forget them when I get through this. Help me learn what You want me to learn so that I can help others through times like this.

It’s amazing what happens, how your world changes, when you allow yourself to fall into the arms of Jesus. Pray with me that I stay there now and always.