Things to Be Grateful for When You're Not Pregnant (My Gift to You Today)

There are plenty of things you non-pregnant peeps take for granted.  My gift to you today is to remind you of a few of them so you can be thankful in this month of gratitude.

Take for instance the ability to let out a bodacious belch. Granted, this is not something I celebrated much myself prior to this pregnancy. You're going to have to trust me on this one. Be thankful for that burp. One big burp that actually bellows is so much better than eight tiny ones in a row that irritate rather than relieve anything.

Another thing I want you to be thankful for is the ability to open a public restroom door without having to back into the wall behind the toilet so as to not open the door directly into your protruding stomach. In case you're wondering, yes, I have done this on many, many occasions. Amazingly, not so much this time. Guess the fifth one is a charm.

And how about the ability to reach the ringing phone before a) it stops ringing and b) you sound as if you've just finished the NYC Marathon? Without fail, the times I actually reach the phone before the machine picks up (which these days is about 30% of the time - not kidding), the person on the other end asks, "Did I catch you in the middle of your workout?", to which I'd love to respond, "Yes. I had to put the leg rest down, roll off the chair, get back upright AND THEN move towards the phone." I don't say that of course, but sometimes...it's the honest truth.

I'm sure I don't need to remind you how wonderful it is to be able to bend down to pick something up off the floor, but I'll mention it anyway...just in case. I kid you not that my husband's suitcase has been at the foot of our bed for two weeks today simply because it hurts too much to bend down, pick that thing up, empty it and then haul it up to the attic. Apparently, Nelson is pregnant too. (Just kidding. Love you hon! Mean it.)

Which brings me to the impetus of this list - putting on a pair of boots. I have been very, very excited to have a bit of cooler weather lately. It helps. Yesterday morning, I decided to pull on my long boots over the cords I was wearing. I felt this was a good idea because they are so much cuter than tennis shoes (yes, fashion still matters when you're pregnant) and they do a much better job hiding my recently swelling ankles than the sandals I've been wearing every day for the last five months.

Turns out, this was not the case. If you have never been pregnant try strapping an eight pound medicine ball to you midsection. It should be about the size of a large beach ball for the total effect. Now that you've got that in place, find somewhere to sit down and put your socks and boots within reach - NOT ON THE FLOOR. Now put your socks on. Failed to mention that this part adds to the difficulty level.

Now that you've got the socks on and you're wondering what was so hard about that, try boot number one. Remember that pulling your knee into your chest is no longer an option. So you struggle for a solid minute trying to find a position where you can actually reach your foot while still holding your boot. I recommend sitting on your bed for this part of the activity because it provides a much softer surface to fall back on.

Once you manage to get your foot into the boot, then you have to start with the whole issue of pulling on the boot while pulling down your pant leg inside the boot. This means that you still have to be able to reach down near your foot with your whole big belly in the way. You tug the boot up and pull the pant leg down and then tug and pull and tug and pull and pant because this is more exercise than you intended to do first thing in the morning.

And IF, you don't give up, AND you manage to do a sufficient enough job to merit actually continuing with the grand plan of wearing the cute boots that you're trying not to curse, THEN you have to zip the boot up. Remember those swollen ankles? Well now you're trying desperately to encase them in tight leather that does not like to give way to a few extra inches (okay, maybe centimeters but centimeters that feel like yards).

But let's say you conquer all that and get the boot on, the pant leg down and the zipper up. You feel like jumping up to do a celebratory dance but that whole jumping up is totally out of the question because by this time you've worked up a sweat and do not have the energy or the breath left to exert any more motion. Instead you catch your breath, see that several minutes have passed performing an activity that used to take seconds and then you have to fight back tears.

These are not happy, celebratory tears but tears of exhaustion because when you sighed and caught your breath and turned to wipe your sweaty brow, you saw that the second boot was still sitting on the bed next to you and you have to do the whole thing over again.

For the record I'd like to report that I got both boots on yesterday. When I ran into a friend and complained about the 45 degree weather that had risen to 75 by the afternoon, she suggested I take my boots off to be cooler. Even though I knew she was right, there was NO WAY I was taking those things off. Seriously, NO WAY.

Today I'm wearing tennis shoes. Be grateful.