Hurry Up and Wait
Today was a hard day for me.
I was up off and on last night with contractions. I had a feeling, a very strong feeling, that today would be the day. Surely I wasn't up for no reason. The contractions were strong enough to wake me so that had to mean something. Right?
I'd get up and walk out to the kitchen to watch the clock and wait for the next one. Then I paced, got some water and when no consistency developed, I went back to bed. I figured I was going to need my rest because I was certain that when I saw the doctor later in the day, he'd send me right over to the hospital to have this baby. Never mind that I was 4 weeks early and it wasn't really time.
When it was finally time to get up with the kids, I felt shocky and nervous...like I do before I have a baby. I was still contracting and becoming more and more sure THIS would be the day. I prepared the kids (who were ecstatic) and finished packing my bag. I let them know of the plans. I had everyone on red alert. When it's time for me to have a baby, I don't mess around. My labors are fast and furious. I've learned to focus on the signs.
I knew it was time because not only did I feel it, but Nelson had already planned to come to the doctor with me since I was having a sonogram. It was in the stars. I was ready...more than ready to no longer to be pregnant.
We met later that morning at the doctor's office. The sonographer said everything looked great and the baby was already looking like he or she was 7 lbs. 10 oz. or so. Yikes! If this baby waits until due date, he or she will be huge! I had no idea how that would happen because I already felt as if every single inch of real estate in me was taken.
When we finally saw the doctor and he checked me, he gave the death blow. This baby was not coming today. In fact, all those contractions had changed nothing. Not only that, but he gave me strict instructions to do nothing. "I'd like to get you to 37 weeks," he said, "then I'd feel better. Be good!"
I stayed very composed but what I wanted to do was sob. I know babies need time in the womb. I know how very important that is. However, between having to check my glucose four times a day, watching my feet morph into unrecognizable orbs, and the constant nausea, I was DONE.
I went home and was a good mama. I sat on the couch and stayed there. I sat still, forgot about all the things on my to do list, and concentrated on gestating this baby. Well, that, and I cried.
Being a mama is hard work...even when you're sitting still.