Deep Thoughts

I've been thinking lately about adaptability. Pondering some of the changes in my circumstances and how abrupt a change feels at first and wondering when and if I will adapt.

In general, I think I accept change pretty well...most of the time. However, every once in awhile, something happens that I can't wrap my mind around. If I can't see the reason why something is happening or I can't quite figure out what God has in mind in a certain circumstance, it makes it harder.

In the case of Max, I have for the most part accepted his circumstance as a normal part of my life. I have an 18 month old who can't walk. In some respects, it has altered my life. We have weekly therapy sessions, periodic evaluations, neurology appointments and the like. In between those times, I try to squeeze in as much exercise for him as I can to encourage his muscle development and movement.

I'm guessing...hoping...praying that it won't be like this forever. I don't know when it will change. I can't make it happen. I am doing everything I can to give him what he needs but I can't make him walk. So, that's just life.

I don't dwell on how time consuming it is. I don't think about how much easier it would be if he could walk (well, not most of the time). This is the way it's always been in his short little life and I accept that. What else can I do? He's my son and I love him and that's that.

On the eve of his neurology appointment I sit here just pondering. We could go tomorrow and he could check out just fine and we will continue with his therapy until he catches up.

Or...we could find out that there is an underlying problem causing all of these delays. We could find out that whatever that is will prevent him from ever walking.

Two extreme examples, but it lets you in to what's bouncing around in my mind right now. Part of me is totally nonchalant about the whole thing and knows that he'll be just fine. Part of me is numb to all of the evaluations and appointments. Part of me is on the verge of tears wondering if something is really wrong with my baby and I've just missed it. I don't want anything to be wrong with my baby. Granted, he's not walking but I'm thinking he's just taking his time, not that he'll never do it.

This is a fist for me. Other than Max's tubes and a two day stay in the hospital when Mackenzie was Max's age, we've relished beautiful, healthy children. Max's delays don't bother us. They don't make us think he's any less lovable. However, they can't be patched up with butterfly stitches or chased away with antibiotics. They are taking a lot of time and some very hard work from the little guy.

So tomorrow we'll start the day with a physical therapy session and go into the afternoon with the pediatric neurologist. And hopefully, the doctor will be able to tell us something and we'll go on with life from there.