A Fond Farewell

This morning Max woke up unusually early and I went in to feed him. This is typically a peaceful time for the two of us. No one else is awake and the house is quiet except for the sweet sounds of my baby boy swallowing. Although I'm not a fan of early mornings, I've always loved this time with my babies. Some days it's the only one on one time we get. Most days it's the only time I have to slip in a quiet prayer time. It's one of my favorite parts of the day.

Lately though these mornings have been a bit of a challenge. I don't know what happened but I seem to have suddenly, for lack of a better term, dried up. Poor little Max would try his best to eat what was there, but I could tell it wasn't much. Over the last week I had to give up the bedtime nursing because he was so hungry he stopped sleeping through the night. One trial night of formula later he was back to sleeping his usual 11 or 12 hours. It didn’t bother me too much because I thought I could at least keep the morning time.

However, this morning he had to work too hard for much too little reward. After half and hour of trying I pulled him away to try to coax him back to sleep. Instead of collapsing on my shoulder, he let out the saddest little whimper as I placed him back in his crib. He tossed and turned for another 20 minutes before I finally gave in, made a bottle and went back. He happily gulped the formula down and was out in less than 15 minutes.

And just like that it was over. With each of the other kids I've been ready for this to happen. I didn't choose it with Aiden but I was already pregnant with Dawson so I just took it as God giving me a little break before I started all over again in a few short months. Until today, I would have probably said I was ready for this part to be over with Max as well. I mean he'll be one next month anyway.

Maybe it's that the choice was not mine. Or maybe it's because I can't be sure I'll have any more kids. Or maybe, it's the idea of spending the money on formula over the next month. Or maybe it's the idea of losing the ability to burn all those calories breastfeeding moms burn.

It could be all those things, but tonight in the quiet of the house I know what I'll really miss is my morning time with Max. A time that was ours and ours alone. A time that only a mother can truly appreciate.

Because I have three other beautiful children, I know that there will be lots of other moments we'll share together. But today I'm a little sad that this moment was over in the blink of an eye and now is gone forever. And I'm even sadder that in my eight and a half years as a mother I now understand that this is the course of motherhood. Each season that seems like it will never end is over before you know it. Every stage passes. And, like it or not, children grow and change.