Don't You Worry

I've been writing since elementary school. It's how I process. Before the world of blogs, I wrote in nice journals made out of real paper. No one ever read them but me. I still have them. I hope one day, when I'm long gone, my kids will read them and get a clearer vision of who I really am.

Now that I'm journaling online, I sometimes hesitate to show my true colors. When there's an audience, things change.

Sometimes though, I feel like keeping it real might help you to know you're not alone in your struggles. When I learn from my mistakes, I want to tell you so you don't make them in the first place.

What I wrote on Monday was very real and raw. I had to get it out and this was the best place for that. I got it out, felt better, and went on with my life. Only, I got busy and wrote nothing else, which may have left you wondering.

None of this occurred to me until my mom called today to see if she could stop by. My mom lives about a mile from my house and she's in and out of it a lot. I can't remember many, if any, times she called and asked if she could just stop by for no reason. I hung up the phone and wondered what terrible or wonderful news she must need to tell me in person.

When she came in and we sat down, she merely looked at me with eyes that only a mother can have and simply asked, "What's going on?"

In those three words I knew exactly what had happened. She had read my blog, worried about me and came to see if I was ok. Isn't that amazing?! In case you don't know her, my mom is a saint.

Truly that's all it took. Her actions and those three words and I burst into tears and really let it all out. She sat with me and listened to me. She gave me wisdom and prayed for me. She made me feel loved and cared for and ever so grateful that she's my mom.

I told her I was okay. Of course, doing that while crying is hardly convincing but my mom knows me and understands that tears are just a part of the healing, hurting, celebrating, mourning and almost every other emotional process for me.

What can I say? I cry.

But I want you to believe that I am okay. I believe everything I wrote. I'm okay because I have faith that God has a plan.

I haven't yet decided how to write about what I'm struggling through and because it involves someone else, I'm not sure I will. But what I want you to walk away with is that my life is not perfect.

Whew. It feels good to get that off my chest...as if you didn't know.

Life's not perfect for anyone, but I firmly believe it's how you choose to deal with its imperfections that makes us who we are. This is not the first struggle I've been through and it won't be the last. 

I will live through this for as long as is needed. God will give me grace to deal with it when I need it. I will do this with joy because God is allowing me to grow.

So we’re good now right?

I’m okay. I am better than okay. I’m grateful, blessed and looking towards the future.